pillow talk for the paperless

By Diana Ayala-Carrillo

 

you’re not wrong
I, too often
go inside my mind
leaving you behind

 

how to explain
intimacy does not dissolve
otherness

 

on borrowed time, babe
at the whim of
men in suits
who will never know

 

The Sacrifice
leaving  family
home
language
land
for a taste of
“opportunity”

 

Cliff divers ready to jump
unaware the sea is coming to a boil

 

borrowed clothes
borrowed apartments
borrowed lives

 

what world?
no, but seriously
what is your world?
a galaxy beyond mine
such freedom, travels
are rarely afforded
to us

 

but yes
no problem!
I reassure you
we are not different
you and i
next Bud and tequila round
Is on me

 

You always take
I always give

 

always
two places at once
more than one job
ingles sin barerras
smoke less, drink more
cash check, wire money
western union dreams

 

always
the fear
at arms length
a deportation letter
suits at the door, ready to announce
that the jig is up
this life was never  yours

 

we stand, disgraced
yet unsurprised
knowing the end near
forever looming 

 

A recurring dream
of brown men and women
standing on a vast dirt road
tears streaming down their face
violently crying out to their mothers
for forgiveness

 

when I awake
I think of my father’s hands 

 

But one morning
I swear to you
I see myself as child
on the front page of the Times
round faced brown child, straight black hair
weeping for her mother

 

we will never know
exactly how much of her
dissolved in that moment
but yet
we come to this place
and will continue to do so

 

pray for us

 

This poem was written in response to the exhibition I Come To This Place, which was on view the summer of 2019 at Smack Mellon in Brooklyn, NY.

Diana Ayala-Carrillo is a photographer, writer, and curator in the past working at Artforum now living in Brooklyn, NY. Her work has shown in Rockrgrl Magazine, at the Knockdown Center in Maspeth, Queens, and in Culturework Magazine, among others. She has curated exhibitions and screenings at Outpost, Gallery 1412, and Spring/Break Art Show, focusing on interdisciplinary artists working in photography, video, performance, and installation.